When I was much younger, I had a very immature and selfish view of faith, but that couldn't prevent me from feeling unworthy of God's love. It is an odd paradox that those who would most liberally use (or abuse, as it were) their liberty in Christ Jesus are also those who find themselves most insecure in their faith. 'Sola Fide' did not work for me. To say that faith alone ensures salvation sounds good on the surface, but misses the fact that faith and salvation are many-faceted things. I grew up on a steady diet of being told that as long as I believed in Jesus, everything would always be a-okay. Well, it wasn't. I kept getting the nagging feeling that the Apostle James was speaking directly to me and telling me lipservice was not going to do it. I made some huge mistakes, eventually coming to the point of truly being repentant for my sins. I asked for forgiveness and started living differently. Unfotunately, many around me could not look past my sins, nor see that my entire way of life had changed. I was officially shunned by my church, with my older brother being one of the harshest on me. Months after I had changed my ways, he was still looking for me to show visible signs of being sorry for what I had done. Aparently, public apology and changing my whole mode of living were not evidence enough of repentance as far as he and others were concerned.
God had different plans. I had to move out of state to find work. I was treated with such love and kindness at my new church that I began to heal. My friendship with a good friend developed into courtship and finally marriage. We found a good church to go to and were quite involved. Then my health took a major downturn. We were newly married with a growing family and faced financial difficulties. During this time we encountered many lovely, helpful, loving christians. We also encountered an attitude that pervaded the church we were attending; they believed that if a christian was experiencing difficulty, there must be something wrong with their spiritual life. Once again the refrain "Unworthy" sounded in my ears.
Fortunately, God had other plans once again. He brought an old friend back into my life by a small miracle. She and her mother could see how much I was struggling with everything in my life. I was simply overwhelmed. They rolled up their sleeves and opened their hearts and their schedules to me. They helped me accomplish what I could not have done alone and I was able to restore order to my home. As they shared their faith and themselves with me, and as I looked at the scriptures afresh, I knew where I truly belonged.
They came along with us as our family came home to the Catholic Church.
Finally, I knew what it was to know that my past was truly behind me. I was cautioys at first, that refrain "unworthy" still quietly ringing in my mind, but I decided that worthy or not, I would submit to my church leaders, and do what they asked of me with a humble heart.
Since then, I have had opportunity to share the scriptures and the tenets of the faith with the children of my parish, I have joyfully entered the sanctuary to lead my church family in singing the Psalms, I have worked with some wonderful people to organize the parish picnic, and I have recently been asked to direct our parish bell choir.
I had once only dreamed of singing solo in a cathedral. I once only dreamed of being a conductor, but by humbling myself and following Jesus, I have come to a place where it is the reality of my life.
I share all of this to tell you something you may not realize. You are worthy because of whose you are. If you are a believer, baptized into God's family, then you belong to the maker of the universe and He made you for great things!
